Do you know what it takes to make a relationship work? And how do you know when efforts to do so are futile? If you're wondering whether ending your relationship is -- or was -- the right thing to do, or whether you can make a troubled relationship work again, read on.
By Michael Broder, Ph.D. Updated: August 27, 2014 Categories: Dating after Divorce, Relationships and Dating
Can your relationship be saved? As a practicing clinical psychologist, this is one of the most commonly explored issues that I have dealt with in my office over the past three decades. Here are just a few responses people gave when I asked why they would need to read an article about whether or not their relationship could be saved:
Could any of these statements have been made by you? If not, then how would you answer the question: “Can your relationship be saved?”
Maybe you’re feeling alone — or even odd — because you’re pondering the direction you are going in your relationship? Let me assure you how normal relationship ambivalence has become!
We all know that the divorce rate looms around 50%. And that doesn’t include people who live together and break up; people who are in long-term (non-live-in relationships); those who are in short-term relationships that can feel as emotionally intense as any marriage ever could; and those who stay in marriages and other long-term relationships that they describe as totally unsatisfying and unfulfilling. Add to that all those whose relationships have come very close to ending, for one reason or another, but have found a satisfactory resolution for both partners. Come to think of it, I can’t imagine that there are very many of us who haven’t been at this crossroad at some time, with one relationship or another.
Sometimes, both partners in a relationship make the decision jointly about whether to continue or split. At other times, one partner makes it all alone. Indeed, if you were to ask me to make the one single most accurate statement regarding relationships, it would have to be this: for a relationship to begin — or to continue — there has to be a degree of desire, effort, or at least collaboration on the part of both partners; but for a relationship to end, all that is needed is for one partner to want it to end. But as long as the door is open even a crack, it is, at the very least, theoretically possible to turn things around.
The two main pillars of relationships that work
Before going any further, let’s set up a frame of reference for looking at this issue. In my book, The Art of Staying Together: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy and Respectpassioncomfortan acceptable degree of both passion and comfort
When it comes to making a commitment to each other, passion is the part of you that commits from the heart. However, it is your brain that determines whether your relationship provides you with a sufficient degree of comfort to warrant the commitment. Maintaining a sufficient degree of passion and
Troubled relationships
There are three main categories of troubled relationships (which account not only for that alarmingly high divorce rate, but also the much higher percentage of significant non-married relationships which end). They include relationships that are stormyindifferenceone-sided
A stormynegativedis
The second category is of troubled relationships that become indifferent
Finally, there are one-sided
In all types of troubled relationships, it’s important to ask: “What is the potential for change?” If the answer is “none,” the next question to ask yourself is, “Is this still where I want to be?”
What are your problem areas?
Now let’s explore your problem areas. What are the problems that now exist that have the potential to bring your relationship to an end? Reflect on your current relationship. Make a list of the issues and problems that are prompting you to ponder if your relationship can be saved.
What are the issues and problems that have brought you to this point? When did they begin to become problematic? What may have initially precipitated the situation?
Take a pen and paper out and list as many answers to these questions as possible. If you’re not sure what to write down at this point, that’s okay. In this article, I’ll be suggesting numerous ways for you to explore these often-difficult questions. But before giving you some of my ideas regarding what your problem areas are, take the time now (before reading the rest of this article) to make a record of how you see your relationship at this point. It will be helpful for you to refer to this initial list later on.
Potentially threatening problem areas
See which, if any, of these you can identify with: