Learn how to make your marriage last in today's world, as the divorce rate is almost 50%. This article gives advise on how to commit to commitment, which experts say that is one of the biggest reasons for the high marriage failure rates.
By Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D. Updated: August 27, 2014 Categories: Dating after Divorce, Relationships and Dating
Clinical Psychologist – Divorce Mediator – Life Coach
Half
of all the couples marrying today will end in divorce. In previous
generations it was not surprising to hear that a couple was celebrating
their twenty-fifth, thirtieth, or even fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Will any of the current generation celebrate these milestones? What can
people do to increase the probability of a long and satisfying marital
relationship?
Since
both sexes are equally able to perform nearly all of the tasks required
in a marriage, neither has to depend on the other for these abilities.
Even the issue of having children no longer is necessary for marriage.
People can choose to have children or not and can have children without
having a partner. Even adoption is possible for single individuals.
Therefore, the very basis for marriage changes from fulfilling certain
functions to fulfilling emotional and psychological needs.
Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, co-author of The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
Psychologist
Dr. Howard Markman at the University of Denver believes that “Love and
commitment to the relationship are necessary for a good marriage, but
they are not enough. What are needed, on top of that, are skills in
effective communication and how to handle conflict.” Dr. Markman, along
with Dr. Clifford Notarius of Catholic University of America, studied
135 about-to-be-married couples. “How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive,”
to Dr. Markman. These researchers found that certain behavior patterns
usually signaled an impending collapse in the marriage:
In
addition to the suggestions already made, the following additional
ideas have been culled from the literature on what makes for a
successful marriage as well my clinical experience with hundreds of
couples. Be Realistic.
idealistic notions of what marriage is all about. Each individual should
make clear what their explicit and implicit expectations are and
clarify these expectations such that they are clearly understood by one
another. Where there are discrepancies, a mutually satisfying compromise
must be reached.Do Not Take One another For Granted.
be a killer for a relationship. It usually occurs sometime after the
honeymoon period. A regular “state of the union” check-in with your
spouse as to how s/he is feeling about the relationship can help avert
resentment build-up. Communication Skills.
communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship. Being
able to articulate our thoughts and being certain that the listener
understands what you wish to say take considerable practice.
Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and
good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be
at best difficult. The next time you want to discuss something important
with your spouse, follow the following steps:
This
approach, often referred to as “active listening,” once learned can
prevent misunderstandings and serve to keep emotions under control. It
is difficult to react emotionally if you are truly listening and have to
communicate understanding before you get a chance to react.Regular Meetings.
Keep the Romance Alive.
the romance in a relationship is vital to the vibrancy of the
relationship. Once folks marry they often become quite lax in this
department. They allow business, chores, and children to get the way of
their romantic life. In a busy life, especially if there are children,
it takes considerable effort to maintain romance.
Develop Sexual Skills.
believe that having sex is just “doing what comes naturally.” Believing
this is like thinking that world-class ballroom dancers are simply born
— no rehearsals, no practice, no innovation, no experimentation, and
no mistakes. Good lovers are made, not born.
Be Complimentary.
costs nothing to compliment your partner and it sure feels good to
receive them. We are often chary about paying compliments to our mates,
letting them know that we think they are pretty/handsome, smart, clever,
well-dressed, kind, a good parent, etc.
Show Appreciation.
small thing that feels good. Thanking your partner for making dinner or
taking out the trash, picking up clothes from the dry-cleaners, and in
general letting him/her know that s/he is appreciated can go along way
in creating a caring environment. Couples are very quick to criticize
one another when chores do not get done, but they are very remiss when
it comes to showing appreciation.
As
you can see from the foregoing, maintaining a contemporary marriage is
no easy task. It requires hard work. To think that a successful marriage
— that is a relationship between two people that is fulfilling,
enhancing of one’s sense of self-esteem, emotionally gratifying,
nurturing, and supportive — can be achieved by merely living under the
same roof without investing effort and time, would be naive thinking.
Some individuals believe that marriage should be easy, and if it is not,
they think something is wrong. Marriage, like any other worthwhile
endeavor, requires patience and practice. When there is difficulty, it
may require outside help. Just as a business may require a consultant,
so too might a marriage. Today’s marriages are more than just two people
living under the same roof. They are complex and dynamic entities that
become even more complex as children enter the picture. For then there
are additional dynamics that must be incorporated into the mix.
Maintaining a marriage is one of our most significant challenges.
Dr.
Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Divorce Mediator, and
Life Coach, whose goal is to help people maximize their potential and
achieve their goals. He is a licensed psychologist, certified sex
therapist, and licensed marriage and family therapist. He has been in
practice for over three decades with clinical specialties in sex
therapy, divorce and relationship counseling, individual and group
psychotherapy. The above article is excerpted from Dr. Dreyfus’s book Keeping Your Sanity